When I lost all source of income, those around me still saw me smile. When things looked really bad, those around me saw me at peace. As much as sometimes I wonder how that was possible.....I have come to realize that I was stripped of comfort to force me to look within. I was stripped of what I thought meant something, to force me to find true value. I was stripped of that which I held tight to force me to accept new.
Well let me be honest……I am not sure I lost it all in fact I think I gained. When I had what seemed to more, I had more stress, more problems. You see I was not happy, I had a bad marriage, horrible debt, hated my job; my life was in chaos. On January 2013; I decided to divorce my husband, it was time. I had spent 22 years with him and we never truly connected. It was clear to the world; we both had forgotten how to smile. We fought every day and we did not value or respect each other. A couple of months into the divorce, that job which I had learned to hate, laid me off. Here I was no husband and no income and yet, I felt the best I had ever felt. I had no answers, but I had ME. It was time to recreate me……I knew my life how it had been did not work and I knew that it was up to me to take action. Yet how do you take action when you are broke? How do you take action without opportunity? How do you take action when those around you think you made a mistake? I had so many questions but I was not about to turn back. I was committed to ME. I spent a year focusing on the new me, focusing on becoming better and money…..well let’s just say that I began to learn how to deal with less. I began to prioritize my needs and to focus on the goal. Again those around me saw nothing…..they just saw me smile and I am sure they were plagued with ideas on how I needed to proceed and on how I should feel. Yet I allowed nothing into my circle other than focus on the goal. My conversations were with GOD; my time alone was spent asking for clarity and in relaxing the mind. I felt fear, and there were days I truly felt lost. Yet I would quickly recover by reminding myself that I was moving forward not backward. I made a conscious decision to walk in faith………I decided I would not just say I believed, I would act in faith. I would plan and stick to the plan by staying in faith. In 2014, those things I wanted and needed began to fall in my lap. Ha! I say fall in my lap yet I know very well it was in direct response to my new way of thinking, speaking and acting. Here I was looking at my puzzle and seeing the pieces connect before my eyes. I was again making more than enough money, I was choosing how to live my life, planning for my daughter and I was doing this by the mercy of God. When I look back and compare my life then vs. now, I understand that I had to lose what I had in order to make room for what I needed. Having more money did not make me better and did not give me happiness. I had to learn to have nothing in order to begin to give value to the things that really meant something to me.
What matters to me? I value freedom to be who I am, freedom to become who I am meant to be, friendship, love, family and travel……I want the freedom to live life as I was meant to live it. Today I can tell you, that I continue to work and focus on my goals; some things I have achieved while others are yet to arrive. I am fulfilled and happy, I feel on top of the world and I feel this way because I have chosen to walk in faith. I am clear that my dreams are part of who I am meant to be and that my part is to move toward them in faith.