I Recognized I was Lost, then I Found Me!

Not till I was lost did I find myself. When I look back I realize this is true…yet I had to recognize I was lost in order to find me. You see I spent many years being lost, unable to find my way. Yet I had become accustomed to my situation. I had accepted the belief that my life was what it would be for the rest of my life. I had already begun this journey and I remember that I knew and believed I had to change….I loved the positive messages but bringing such into my life was not an easy task. You see, in order to implement new, you need to chip away at the old. The problem is that the old becomes YOU. The old is so much a part of who you have become that breaking free from its hold means letting go of all that you know. It was so hard to do, that this struggle took me 3½ years. How did I finally let go? Well it wasn’t pretty, I finally hit rock bottom. I had begun writing my journal, I was doing this as a way to connect with the person I was and find my way to the person I want to be. I was already two months into this project when it happened…….I finally hit rock bottom. I fell so hard I could not imagine recovery. I had sleepless nights, cried all the time, I could not breathe. I remember getting what I call hot flashes run through my body; I would have to remove my blouse when it happened just to help me cool down. Now that I describe this it felt as if I had fallen into a pit and the darkness was consuming me, swallowing me whole. It was at this time I contemplated death……you see I was plagued with fear, shame and this overwhelming sadness. There was no way I could fix the mess I lived in as this mess did not just happen, I was looking at the mess I had created throughout all those years I went about life in the same old routine and belief. What saved me? I believe GOD saved me…yet he did so through the lessons I had been learning in these 3½ years, you see even though I did not know how to fully implement into my life, I had begun to believe in them. Those messages would replay in my mind and there was a faint glimpse of hope inside me. That hope was too faint to light my way but strong enough to whisper into my ear. I was scared, I was not sure if to live or die, I thought of the pros and cons of my death and the more I thought the more scared I would become. I wrote about this experience in my journal which I published as Life According to Me – My Life Experiences. In this journal I share my darkness but most of all I share the moment of transformation. I had to recognize I was lost in order to find me. Yet I had to look no further than within. Believing is not Knowing…..many of us believe. We believe there is a GOD yet we go about life without honoring Him. We believe there must be more to life than what we see, yet we go about life living according to what we’re told, what we can see and what we have experienced. We believe there are places we are meant to go, yet we only go as far as we feel comfortable. Believing is not Knowing because when you KNOW in your heart you will move in faith. When you KNOW in your heart you will not need evidence or reminders you simply do what is right. I had to be lost in order to find me and to finally know that I was meant for more and that I was capable of doing more than I ever dared to dream of.