I was in the arms of the Devil, he held me in a tight grip and as in a trance I felt as if I was swaying in his arms and spiraling into a deep darkness, a bottomless pit. I felt fear and shame yet I could not let go. As we danced this horrific dance, he whispered wicked words that reminded me of the painful mistakes which brought me to this moment. He whispered words of shame, letting me know I was worthless, a failure and a disappointment to those I loved. I was so scared, I felt alone even though there were people around me, I felt alone. The shame and fear were consuming me and I felt as if no one would or could understand so I shut down and kept my pain locked within. But this was not an ordinary time…..this time my pain was destroying me. I could not open up and seek help because that would mean I would face my demons and speak my truth that truth which caused me so much pain and shame. Well at least the truth that the Devil wanted me to believe. You see he wanted to keep me in my darkness and he wanted me to sink deeper, the more I sank the further from light and the more hopeless I would grow. At least that was his plan! In his arms, I contemplated death, how to do it and how my family would benefit from my death; I wondered if I would even be missed. I was broken, I had never been so broken in my life and that is a stretch as I had lived in misery most of my life. I knew what it was to simply go about life existing yet not living, however this feeling of being broken was new to me because it was deep rooted, it took away any form of light from my life
Let me take you back a bit, you see this darkness occurred into the latter part of October 2011. However I began my journey of self-improvement in 2008; so how was it that 3½ years into my journey I was hitting rock bottom? How was it possible when I was working on improving myself that I would find myself contemplating death? Well it’s quite simple, you see I began my journey just as many have done before me and some may be starting. I knew I wanted better but understanding what that meant was not as easy. I was listening, reading, practicing and I was chanting messages of better into my life. But I was not implementing the change I spoke about and I was not doing what I needed to me. Chanting alone was not going to do it, and it was not going to make that big pink elephant disappear. My problems were not going to be wished away, I had to face them and because I wasn’t tackling them, they continued to get bigger and take a life of their own. So here I was, October 2011 and all my problems had finally come together and came crashing down on me. It felt as if my world was crumbling before me and I had no options, no solutions, no control. I had learned the concepts of self-improvement but I never connected the dots in my own personal journey.
There is a difference between wishing and doing; for many years all I did was wish, wish for better, wish for change, wish for happiness yet I did nothing because I had conditioned myself to go about life with no power, I believed I could do nothing.
So there I was, October 2011 and all those problems I once wished to not have to face were collapsing around me and taking me down with its weight. I had no control, no solutions, and no hope. But something was different! It could not be seen on my face, not on my clothes, not in my walk…..but there was something different in me. You see even though I felt broken and I had failed in some way to change, something inside me was different; it was hope….a glimpse of hope. At some point in my journey I had dared to envision better, I had dared to give life to hope and I had dated to believe that I deserved to do better. So while in the arms of the Devil listening to his wickedness planting the seeds of fear and shame into my heart, I was able to hold on to that glimpse of hope that lived within me. I was able to grab on with all my strength. That hope, faith I speak about was very faint, and even though I could not see the light I knew in my heart that I could not stay in the darkness. The not knowing was not going to stop me from fighting for me….I had to fight or allow myself to be consumed by the dark.
One moment I was in pure darkness and in the other I could feel the light shine before me. But in order to see this I needed words of healing to be spoken upon me. This is where my transformation begins; you see GOD was at work even when I felt lost. Since I was not listening, GOD found someone I would listen to. GOD knew what I was going through and He saw where I was headed before I did. So He used my fear but rather than allowing me to go down the same path with the same views, He gave me another image…..he gave me a glimpse of what could go wrong if I was no longer here. He allowed me to feel and to doubt and with it I began to feel ill. My despair so great that I began to fear my own thoughts of death there I was confused not knowing what to do, “Do I choose to die or do I choose to live?” I did not want to open up to anyone out of shame, yet I had no other choice than to call my sister. I spoke to her and said, “I can’t tell you what’s going on but I am not feeling well and I fear I might get a stroke” My sister quickly came to my rescue and took me to my Doctor. She knew not to ask questions, she knew I was scared. After many tests, my Doctor told me I was very healthy with the exception of anxiety. She looked at me and said, “If you continue down this path you will give yourself a stroke”. I was very happy to know I was healthy, but those words did a number on me. All the way home, the words kept replaying in my mind. I got home, went to my room and as I stared out the window of my bedroom, I kept listening to those words. Then it happened. All of a sudden it was as if the lights had turned on and I could now see. I went from being consumed by darkness and surrounded by the mess of my problems to seeing light and envisioning my problems in the back seat of my car. Yes, my car! I envisioned myself in my car, sitting in the driver’s seat. To my right was an empty seat, through my rear view mirror I could see the problems and before me was nothing but an open road…the road of opportunity. I don’t know if this image helps you in any way, but to me it was liberating. I no longer felt overwhelmed, I had control. I knew that the open road would lead me to better, and I knew that every exit was a milestone in which I could fix or eliminate a problem. This was my moment of transformation, this was that moment in which I was free from the Devil’s grip, I no longer danced that dreadful dance and I no longer was engulfed by that darkness. I was now ready to fight, ready to take on the world and I would do so with this new sense of direction, a strength I never thought I was capable of feeling.
I did not start out searching for GOD in my journey, I did not start out hoping to be stronger, I started out looking to become better, looking to let go of those beliefs that were holding me back and in the process I found GOD, my voice and my inner strength!