Honest moment……so listen up!
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When I wrote “Life According to Me”, I was in the midst of chaos. However even in chaos I had this immense sense of hope stirring from within. I have shared with you through my page that I was not searching for GOD as my relationship with HIM was little to nonexistent. Well, let me clarity that a bit, the relationship I had with Him was mainly blaming him for anything that did not work. However while finding Eileen, I found GOD…..and searching for the goodness in me lead me to find that anything good within me was due to HIM. Therefore I did not start out to find GOD but I found Him in this amazing journey to find Me. This was a time of much uncertainty, I was doing things I never did before and trust me when I tell you as I was doing it, I could not believe I was even daring to do so. You see, I was not in my mind the smartest, my grammar, the way I spoke was not the most articulate, however inside me I felt I had something to say, something to share and I felt that my journey to hell and back could bring some light to someone. So I wrote this book and I dared to publish it. However my life has changed so much since I wrote it. You see, that was just a phase in my life. While in that process I learned much, I learned accountability, I took responsibility for things in my life such as my marriage and I actually became committed to making it work. I started focusing on the qualities of my then husband and pushed aside his weaknesses or challenges and I made a conscious decision to simply be happy with him. All of it sounds good but there was one thing I did not see while on that journey and which I will share with you today. When I decided to be happy and push aside what did not work, he loved it. He loved seeing the change in me and for a little bit he seemed to want to change as well. However there was something I did not learn or better yet, did not recognize and that was that people only change when they are ready to change. We need to recognize that something does not work and we need to acknowledge we have to do something about it in order to want to change, in order to own up to the change. So my then husband was happy to see me change, happy to see me fight and look the other way…he was happy to put the ownership on me. Well, I can’t blame him; after all I made it so appealing and simple to him.
I wrote “Life According to Me” in 2011 and it was published on February 2012. I was so proud of this accomplishment. Why? Because I had dared to do something I never thought I could and it opened my eyes to new possibilities. However with new doors opening before me, something began to happen. My then husband saw me growing and becoming stronger. He saw a light within me, an excitement that he did not share. With this came the nagging, criticism, and in some way back handed ridicule in which he would try to feed me thoughts of me setting myself up for failure, not being as good as I thought I was…etc. The fights began increasing and slowly but surely we were back to where we started. Hold up…..let me clarify that, we were back to the old fighting but I was not the same woman as I had been. I now had a vision, self-respect and a desire to be more.
The fights were now occurring every day, we would sit in silence, I did not want to be near him and he would blame me for everything and anything. He even blamed me for having too much faith. If times were hard and I invoked GOD, he would ridicule me for thinking that would help. It was a challenge and worst of all, if he knew I was helping one of my customers through this page, he would get upset. It was as if he wanted me to drown in self-pity rather than bring light into our lives and the lives of others.
December 2012, as we are getting ready to receive the New Year, I made a commitment however I thought I was committing to us and I was really committing to Me. You see on December 31st as the countdown begins, I touched my husband and I said, 2013 is going to be our year….we will be where we need to be. I kissed him and I knew this would be true. January 2013; it was on a Tuesday, the second week of January. I was sitting in my home office working on some appointments. He came into my office and began with his negative posture, making sarcastic remarks and simply testing my patience. My daughter needed his help and he began taunting her. He thought it was cute but she needed help at the moment…..it was a simple YES or NO, can you help me?
I asked him to please stop toying with her and just help or not. So he stormed out of the office because I was a nag. Outside of the office the pleading begins, I can hear her asking him to stop joking and to either help or not but not play games. He did not get it, he continued aggravating her, so I opened the door and I said, “Can you please just help her?” I did have an attitude when I asked as I was literally fed up with the games. At that moment he approached me, took the door and slammed it on my face. I was at the door when the door slammed and I just stood there looking at the door. I walked to my desk, sat on my chair and I asked myself, “Eileen, why do you put up with this? All of a sudden before me, I could see my life with him, the many times we fought, the many disappointment’s, the let downs, and I heard Eileen say, “For no good reason”. I had just received the affirmation I needed to understand I had been fighting for nothing. I was trying to save a relationship that had been dead a long time ago. I was trying to rekindle a love that did not exist and be a friend to someone who was not my friend. Can you relate to this? Does this sound familiar?
I am very proud of the journey I took when I wrote “Life According to Me” because I know that what I learned can help many others as it helped me. And yes my relationship did not survive the journey yet that journey was not about the relationship, instead it was about helping me be the best version of me. OK…….am I better today than I was then? YES and NO. Yes, because I learned I am capable of taking care of me and life is more peaceful without that constant negativity. But NO, because I had a weakness I had not addressed. You see, I was taught to be a good wife, and I knew my then husband as someone who did not have a back bone. I knew him to be someone that can be fazed by challenges and I found myself to be stronger. So what did I do upon divorce? I protected him…..I made sure the process was not hard on him. And what did he do? Well what he always did….He appreciated I took that role, he was happy to put the ownership on me and he made sure to let me take the burden.
Here we are in 2015, and today I am paying for my mistakes. Which mistakes? Easy, I am paying for not recognizing that I had to take care of me…..I am paying for not recognizing that he was good at crying to get what he wants and at manipulating situations. I am paying for having cut him too much slack and letting him get away with not fulfilling his responsibilities as a Father.
2015 has been an interesting time in my life…….not only have I had constant challenges with my Ex but I have opened myself to the dating world and I must admit, I do not know how to date. HAHA…..This is so much work. So with this new phase in my life and the challenges with my Ex….I lost my spark. I have lost my way. I stopped talking to GOD which was part of my daily and weekly routine, I started to focus more on the challenge instead of what I could do and here I am now talking to you. You see, my life is an open book…..and I want it like this by choice. I can’t help you if I can’t help me and I can’t be the best I can be, if I allow negativity into my life. Don’t get me wrong, negativity is always present; its always lurking close by. But we can and I can protect myself by choosing to always strive for better. It’s not easy, and it does not have to be……but we can’t move forward if we allow the negativity to get the best of us.
My life has changed so much from when I wrote, “Life According to Me” but one thing did not change and that is that I choose to Live Life According to Me and by doing so I live a life of purpose, and I grow closer to GOD…..My Lord, MY Savior!
If you take anything from this which I share……let it be that you pay attention to what is around you, that you love yourself so much that you don’t cheat yourself from what is yours, from your peace of mind and your happiness. We can’t live a prisoner of people, situations or things…….because if we do; we lose our ability to be who we are meant to be!