It's important to say and admit that writing is new to me and that I am not the most savvy or talented writer. Yet when I chose to publish my first book I did so because I had just survived a traumatic ordeal in my life and I wanted to share my story and hope to those that may need it. Well, the book sold yet did not make it to a best seller as I am not a known published author but even more did not have marketing funds. Did I allow that to water the fire within me? Nah! Instead it actually lit it even more, you see I was focusing on the courage to endeavor in something new, and to expose my lack of experience to critics. Believe me when I say, as many that come out to cheer you on, you will find even more to look for your flaws and bet against you. To me, that actually served me as motivation. You see the more people bet against me the more determined I become to continue my course. Of course, this path is not easy and there is so much I have had to learn and so much yet to learn, but growing up can be fun. Understanding that we are much more than we see can be very exciting. After I wrote and published, Life According to Me: My Life Experience, I came to a realization that what I thought or believed to be true was not the absolute truth and my visions of my future were no alligned with the life I was meant to live.
As the years continued and my life shifted in a new direction I found myself revisiting my life, my mistakes, the pain and the new path and came to an understanding of how we go about life and how we go about this dance called life. You see I came to see the moments in which I danced out of happinesss, in which I could float on air, while there were moments in which I danced in sorrow and felt captive to a power that was dark and overwhelming. But most of all I came to realize that through every dance good or bad there was a moment in which I was aware and in which I could choose. That lead me to write my upcoming book, "Dancing With The Devil". It's still in the manuscript stage yet there is so much of my life, my journey, the lessons I've learned and conversations I've had that I feel that although the title may seem dark, the reader will find a sense of light and hope through its pages.
One thing I have learned is that where we are today is not where we will be tomorrow....of course unless we choose to stay where we are. But if you are as eager to embrace change as I am, tomorrow you will be in a different place, you will see things differently and how you speak and act will stem from a brand new YOU.
Here is a little teaser of; "Dancing With The Devil" - coming soon!
Let me take you back a bit, you see this darkness occurred into the latter part of October 2011. I began my journey of self-improvement in 2008; so how was it that 3½ years into my journey I was hitting rock bottom? How was it possible when I was working on improving myself that I would find myself contemplating death? Well it’s quite simple, you see I began my journey just as many have done before me and some may be doing now. I knew I wanted better, but understanding what that meant was not as easy. I was listening, reading, practicing and I was chanting messages of better into my life. But I was not implementing the change I spoke about and I was not doing what I needed for me. I had made some changes but now that I look back, I was looking to save a marriage thus the changes I made although helped me grow, were focused on keeping me in the midst of the problem. Of course I did not see it that way. I was raised a Catholic and even though I did not practice religion I was taught that marriage is blessed and is intended to be “forever”. Therefore how can being married be part of the problem? Well it was! But I simply did not accept it the time, thus my focus was on becoming a better wife. So here I was working on being a great wife, modifying myself and chanting words of encouragement into my life. Yet chanting alone was not going to do it, and it was not going to make that big Pink elephant in the room disappear. Oh how painful it is to write this knowing that I did not want to see the Pink Elephant yet it was with me all the time, I even slept with it. My problems were not going to be wished away, I had to face them and because I wasn’t tackling them, they continued to get bigger and take a life of their own! We will talk about this a bit more a bit later in this book.
So here I was, in the midst of chaos; all my problems had finally come together and came crashing down on me. It felt as if my world was crumbling before me and I had no options, no solutions, and no control. I had learned the concepts of self-improvement but I never connected the dots in my own personal journey. There is a difference between wishing and doing; for many years all I did was wish, wish for better, wish for change, wish for happiness yet I did nothing because I had conditioned myself to go about life with no power, I believed I could do nothing. Well, that was my old thinking getting the best of me. You see if all we know is what we read or hear, we might not know much. Why? Well because you need to connect to that which you read and hear, you need to be able to understand it at the core and then you will be able to apply the lessons into your own life." - Eileen Gonzalez - Life According to Me
One thing I want you to understand is that I am far from being where I need to be. There is so much I have to learn and this desire to do more requires me to explore and test myself. I have to be willing to do things I have never done and challenge the beliefs I have entertained throughout my life. Yet this is all part of growing...this is part of WALKING IN FAITH. Stay tuned for more to come.....and Thank You for being a part of my journey.