I already knew I had a trust issue, but recently I hurt someone I love due to how deep this trust issue is within me. I never really focused much on it although from time to time it would show its ugly face. But this time it was different, this time, not only did I hurt someone, I honestly could not understand why......well that was until my sister asked me, "Why do you have such trust issues if you were not cheated on or abused?" The immediate answer was not clear....."I really did not know". Yet like every important question, it kept stirring inside me searching for the answer until it hit me. I was not abused in any way and I was not a victim to infidelity. However from the very start in my relationship, I learned that if it was to be done, it would have to be done by me. I realized very early in life that being in a marriage did not mean you were in a true relationship and being with someone did not mean you were not alone. So I learned to depend on me, I trusted me, I knew me. Everyone else was a "maybe". Maybe they will come through, maybe they love me, maybe they will be by my side, maybe they won't judge me......well "maybe's" don't really earn trust. Do they? For one you can't depend on them because you simply don't know. Was it right for me to shut the doors of trust to others? NO! In fact, not trusting leaves us feeling lonely and not just mentally; we literrally stay away. We become loners, we learn to control everything in our lives, we make sure things work how they need to work. We tend to be self reliant, self-sufficient and sometimes all we have. Well trust me, as someone who has just realized that I don't trust much....I must recognize I am broken. Having lack of trust means we are waiting to be dumped, we are waiting to be hurt, we are waiting to have to figure it all out. Hec...why wait, we will just do it. Because in our minds, if we don't, no one will. If we want a heroe we must become one. Doubt it? I seldom ask for help yet I am always ready to help. I seldom share my pain yet I am always ready to listen on comfort. I will help but I won't ask for help; to some this may sound great, yet to others this may sound sad. And I would agree with the latter.....as it is sad.
But wait....I can't be broken cause I am solid, I am strong, and I am a fighter........all that is true yet I am also weak. I am weak because I have forgotten how to let someone in and let them carry some of my burden. I have forgotten how to trust and let someone help me stand up. I have forgotten that I don't have to control everything....I can simply enjoy the moment and figure it out. Recognizing this means that all I learned through most of my life need be scrapped and done over. My friends....I tell you its OK to recognize we are broken...its OK to cry, to feel pain and despair, but then we have to work on healing. Because only through healing will we be able to connect with others. Our health, our peace and our inner joy depends on our ability to give the very best of us. Tell me, how can we give the very best when we are waiting to be hurt? Its simply not possible to find happiness when we are waiting for unhappy moments.
Our past pain, who we learned to be is not a reflection of those that are trying to be a part of our lives. Our past is our personl burden, one we must learn to deal with and which we must learn to forgive. Because if we do not make peace with it, it will continue to be a part of our today. We can't punish or penalize others for the failures of our past........instead they are an opportunity to something new and that should be a moment for us to flourish one more time.
The good news is that we can heal.......and it may take some time, it may not be easy but we can heal and when we do, we will be able to move on towards the life we are meant to live. I am Broken........but I am Healing!