The Monster Within!

The Monster within me is more destructive than any Monster before me

There is a silent monster which at times seems to overcome me, in a single moment it can transform my features, and change my words and pronunciation to one of anger, hatred and darkness. Where does this come from? Why if I have chosen to be better, why can this silent monster simply take over? I have wondered this for some time, yet the other day while driving with my mother, we began to speak of an incident and a name came to mind. I was driving but I could not believe the words I had just spoken, I referred to this person a “Puerca” a “Pig”. In my 48 years of life I have never referred to another human being in such a denigrating way, yet here I was, mortified at my selection of word. Where did that come from? I am lucky to be in tune with my emotions and quick to catch myself and recover. However many of us react to the emotions and quickly submerge themselves into them and while they do, they lose sight of what they truly value in life and of their vision of themselves as they move toward better. Let’s face it, just because we stored our memories does not mean these were deleted. These memories and feelings are securely stored in our subconscious mind. Our subconscious has a perfect file system for immediate retrieval upon memories being summoned. Yet how do we summon these? Unfortunately, we don’t purposely summon them, instead these are triggered. You hear a word, a name, a sound; you might smell an aroma, a distinct scent; you might feel an emotion, the temperature might be of such that it takes you back in time. There are many situations that can trigger a memory and the subconscious is quick to provide you those images tied to these triggers. So here you are feeling a certain way and at times its not a good feeling. Old angers will arise, old feelings will be felt and old thoughts and beliefs will attempt to seep in to your conscious mind. This is why it is so important for us to be AWARE. Being aware of who we are, what we want and most importantly how we are feeling in this moment, will allow us to recognize the shift in our being. We might not be able to stop the initial reaction but we can control the next because we are aware of where these are coming from and the impact these have in our NOW. I am of belief we have several monsters. Each monster is tied to an internal fight. I will use myself of course because I am subject matter expert on Me! I have a Monster named Sabotage, when I am trying to stay focused on eating healthy, he reminds me that we only live once and tomorrow, I might not be here, so why not eat that ice-cream now? Sabotage has been with me since I was a little girl, yet he has not been along. When I was a little girl I was shy and in my younger years, before my teen years, I was basically taught to be silent. How, well I was made to feel as if everything that came out of my mouth was stupid and everything I thought was a consequence of not being smarter. Well that Monster was named Lack, he has been with me throughout my entire life. Even though in my teenage years I began to speak up a bit, and even though as a woman I realized I had much potential, Lack has always found a way to shut me up. Here is another example: Throughout my life, I have been heavy and in my child hood I encountered bullies which would make fun of me, belittle me and make me feel stupid for my weight. At home, I was raised in a strict environment and speaking up as a child or offering ideas and opinions were not welcome, which at times lead to shaming. So, I learned to shut up, nothing I could say seemed to be of intelligence, in my mind I was just a fat girl with nothing to share. Remember this is my interpretation as a child. I remember hearing my Dad at times say, “Well if you were smarter……”. In my adult years, I worked with a man who had a superiority complex and every time others did not agree with him, his response to them and to me was, “I need you to think like me….” Every time he said that it took me back in time, however I was alert enough to tell myself, “I don’t want to think like YOU, I want to think like ME”. Both monsters have never truly been dormant in my life, they have always found a way to show up throughout my day or week. I have been lucky to be successful in my career and to always do better than I would’ve if I would have allowed Lack to take control of my life. Lack is great at presenting me with images of horrible things that can arise for my lack of intelligence, know how, or for not being further along. It is because of Lack that I do better in a work environment than in a social environment. I feel safe in the topics I submerge myself in and in how to make things better. While in social environments, Lack mocks me and makes me wonder if what I am about to say is of relevance, and if I will be accepted just as I am? Sabotage is great when I feel lonely or things did not go as planned, he brings thoughts of chocolate and ice-cream, things that give me instant pleasure. Again, this is why AWARENESS is so important because our monsters are always present, lurking, ready for the right moment to jump at us. Being aware will allow us to stand up before these monsters and take on its challenge. I want you to understand that just because the monster lives within does not mean it can control you. He or It is like an overgrown child trying to push your buttons and see how much he can get away with. His job is to upset you because when you give in to this feeling you are off balance. If you can recognize and identify your monsters you can control them and keep them at bay. Feeling is not a bad thing as long as you do not get lost in those feelings. I want you to think of feelings of the past as a reminder of something that changed. The feelings might be of a sad moment or a happy moment however what must be most prevalent to you is that it was of a time which led to change. Think about it, you are still here. You overcame even if with bruises and scratches but you did, and you are able to look back not to recapture but to remember where you came from. Those monsters can and will hurt you but only if we choose to play with them. As I see it, I am not the little girl I once was and all I do today is by choice. Trust me, I have other monsters and you might too. It does not matter how many monsters you have, what matters is the attitude you face them with. You see life is not for the faint of heart. Life is about creation and in creation we find chaos. So those monsters can be put to good use, we can turn those negative emotions and learn to build upon them. I might not be able to shut them up but I can learn to turn their words into a positive.

Take a few moments to identify your monsters:

  • What are the names of your monsters?

  • What triggers your monster(s)?

  • How do they impact you?

  • What can you do in your now to use their negativity as fuel toward better?

Monsters live in darkness as they fear the light!

Eileen Gonzalez - Life According to Me